LeBron Laughs Last at Cleveland Boobird Losers

 LeBron James entered Cleveland's Quicken Loans Arena to more boos than any athlete in any arena in American sports history. Pittsburgh QB Ben Roethlisberger allegedly raped a couple different young women and Mike Vick admitted to drowning and electrocuting dogs, and yet no city has been inspired to boo them as hard as Cleveland booed LeBron last night.

 The original Cleveland Browns and their owner Art Modell have returned to their old city several times in the form of the Baltimore Ravens and yet they're never booed as loud and long as LeBron was booed. It sounded like everyone in the crowd had booboozelas left over from last summer's world cup.

 Joakim Noah once said, "I don't know about Cleveland, man. There is nothing going on. It's bad, man. Cleveland sucks." He played in Cleveland the next day and the boos were a fraction of what LeBron endured.

 Why would all these supposed Cleveland Cavalier basketball fans be so angry at the player that brought them to the NBA finals for the first time ever? How could the best player in franchise history, who also grew up just 40 miles away from the Cavs' arena, be more openly hated than any other player in sports history? Why rain more boos for a free agent leaving his team than for an two-time alleged rapist, a dog killer, an owner who gutted the city and an opponent who openly hated on the city?

 LeBron started his night on the court with the motherlode of all money shots, a one man bukkake style chalk toss. Even though LeBron hater and former Cavs slayer Michael Jordan actually invented the chalk toss, Cleveland fans seem to think it was some private ritual that LeBron came up with to make them feel special.

 Last night, LeBron blew chalk in their faces like a climax on a legion of losers. Imagine how many times ex-Browns owner Art Modell rewound LeBron's latest Cleveland chalk toss on his DVR while laughing himself to sleep.

 Cavs owner Dan Gilbert is pictured above, in the blue dress shirt to the left. LeBron was probably telling his ex-Cavs teammates what a sorry bunch of suckers they are without him and Delonte West while conveniently bending over for Gilbert to kiss his ass. OK, maybe not the Delonte part.

 Cavs fans raised signs like they were at a political convention. It looked like a tea party rally with so many white people mad at one black man for making moves. The signs were often incorrect. 

 For example, the sign saying LeBron is a prince in Wade's country is statistically wrong. LBJ leads the Heat in points, assists and steals per game. Wade is second in all three categories. Which one is the prince in that equation? 

 The sign that says LeBron left his talents in Cleveland is also wrong. Cleveland has no talent. Mo Williams hasn't found his talents since he cried about losing LeBron as a teammate. His scoring average is at its lowest since he joined the Cavs, 13.9 ppg. Antawn Jamison is having his worst season since his rookie year. I guess he left his talents in Washington.

 To the loser who thinks, "Akron hates you, too, LeBron," that would also be wrong according to Akron's own LeBron James Grandmothers Club. So-called Cavs fans can't get it right. 

 How about "LeSit your LeUgly ass down you old LeBowl-haircut having hater. And learn how to LeSpell." It's t-r-a-i-t-o-r, fool.

 Wait, isn't that one of Tiger's babes? Not the model one, but the one who worked at the diner? I'm pretty sure that's her. She needs to quit the hair dresser who coiffed that cheap stringy mess, looking like fried jellyfish.

 LeBron: What should I do? Should I kick this little loudmouth guido's ass for trying to step to me while I'm at work? Witness this asswhippin', Cleveland."

 Some of these Cavs fans would do us all favors if they just shredded themselves into oblivion. Maybe they'd come back as real sports fans in a better city like Detroit or even Oakland. 

 In all these photos, it's hard to find anyone wearing a Cavs jersey or Cavs colors. What kind of fans are they if instead of supporting their team, they only show up ready to hate someone who left? Not even Philadelphia Eagles fans have hatred on that level.

 LeBron laughs last. He laughs at me and anyone else who hoped he'd stay in Cleveland. I wanted him to stay there because I thought he was a loser who belonged there. I was wrong. LeBron is doing what it takes to be a winner. It's the Cavs boobirds who are losers.

6 Wishes for LeBron James' Return To Cleveland

 The night Cleveland has waited five months for is here. They get to face LeBron James on their own turf in the wasteland. When James and his Miami Heat appear on the court, they will somehow be bigger villains than the Baltimore Ravens who used to be Cleveland's own Browns. But if the original Browns left a city that claimed to be so into the their football team, and LeBron left a basketball team based so close to his hometown of Akron, maybe Joakim Noah was right. What's so good about Cleveland?

 Most of us couldn't care less about Cleveland. Yet LeBron James, a slightly overrated two-time MVP, has captured our attention as he goes back to play the franchise that he jilted by choosing to leave. Who wouldn't leave a cold miserable place like Cleveland to play and live in Miami? Who wouldn't want to play for a winner like Pat Riley instead of a jerk like Cavs' owner Dan Gilbert?

 Tonight, it's all about what happens after James takes the court for his warm ups all the way until he leaves after the last buzzer. Here are my six wishes for #6 LeBron James' night in Cleveland.

 Anderson Varejao gets the first ever pre-game flagrant foul when he elbows LeBron to the ground at the scorers table so he can excite Cleveland fans into an even more feverish frenzy with a chalk toss of his own.

 LeBron recovers from Varejao's elbow and sets a career high in turnovers while scoring 23 points (for MJ and LBJ's old number). Midway through the first quarter, James rocks an unguarded, solo fast break, rim wrecking, 360 tomahawk dunk that brings out more hate and louder boos than if Osama Bin Ladin walked on the court.

 Eddie House gets ejected in the second quarter for excessive trash talking with outraged Cavs fans. He leaves the game with zero points, featuring two airballs from three point land. Someone throws a full cup of beer at him before he exits the court which accidentally lands on Cavs' owner Dan Gilbert.

 Cavs forward Jamario Moon burns past LeBron James, spins into the lane and destroys Chris Bosh's weak help defense with a devastating monster dunk of doom, and-one. Moon converts the free throw and Bosh goes to the bench with his fourth foul. Bosh finishes the night 2-11 with 5 rebounds while Varejao gets a double double against him.

 Heat forward Juwan Howard body slams Cleveland super fan Nate Mallett to the ground when the drunk Ohio nut rushes the court to attack LeBron. Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker James Harrison offers to pay any fine David Stern levies against Howard.

 Zydrunas Ilgauskas cries during pre-game announcements when Cavs fans stop booing LeBron long enough to cheer their appreciation for Z's time in Cleveland. The Lithuanian has a relatively quiet game because his eyes well up every time he touches the ball and hears Cleveland fans cheering for him.

 Z saves the best for last when he tips in a last second LeBron James miss, giving the Heat a one point win over the Cavs, 90-89. Afterward, Z is an emotional blubbering mess in the locker room, profusely apologizing to the city of Cleveland while Chris Bosh massages his shoulders and tells him that Miami loves him too.

 I want the Cavs to lose because the league is more fun when more teams play a role. Cleveland has little chance of threatening for a title any time soon and there's nothing interesting about their roster beyond the hustle of Varejao. Since Clevelanders play the part of sad and angry losers so well, they should keep bringing those talents to the NBA culture. As long as they keep losing to LeBron's Heat, there will always be at least one game on the Cavs schedule that's interesting to the NBA community at large.

What I Want LeBron James To Be

 LeBron James asks a lot of questions in his latest Nike ad, "Rise". For a guy who recently made such a big decision, LeBron seems to have uncorked many more mysteries in the process. So I thought I'd offer answers and help him be a better NBA player.

 LBJ: What should I do? Should I admit that I've made mistakes?
 Mojo: Yes. It worked for Alex Rodriguez. He admitted he took steroids and boom! He became a World Series champion who no longer struggled on playoff stages. A good start would be speaking truthfully about why the Cavs never won a championship in the LeBron James era.

 LBJ: Should I tell you how much fun we (the Cavs) had?
 Mojo: Yes, tell us how much fun Cleveland was. What was it like joking around in the locker room while the Spurs were sweeping you out of the Finals in '07? And what about posing for all those faux pix while Kobe & Kevin Garnett were doing work on the way to championships? That looked like fun too. And what really happened in that Boston hotel with Delonte last year? He always seems like he's having fun to me.

 LBJ: Should I really believe I ruined my legacy?
 Mojo: Hell no. Brett Favre is ruining his legacy. Roger Clemens ruined his legacy. How can a legacy be ruined just by decisively switching teams and playing at a high level within the rules? Did Shaq ruin his legacy by signing with the Lakers? Did Steve Nash ruin his by signing with the Suns?

 LBJ: Should I have my tattoo removed?

 Mojo: Definitely not. Chris Anderson keeps raising the tattoo stakes, so now is not the time to laser ink away. A better idea would be a giant cover up of that "Chosen 1" cheese. How about something wicked like a full back piece skull? Or what about fulfilling the prophesy in the Virgosis and getting a giant Darth Vader mask tat?

 LBJ: Wanna see my shiny new shoes?

 Mojo: No. The "LeBron 8" is just as ugly as the rest of the LeBron Nikes. Kobe might be approaching Jordan status on the court, but MJ still owns all in sneakers. 

 LBJ: Should I tell you, "I am not a role model"?

 Mojo: Why would anyone follow in Charles Barkley's footsteps in any way? Why aspire to be like an underachieving bloated loser who caddies for people who abused him throughout his career? I bet jelly donuts taste better than that elbow sandwich Jordan served fat Chuck's grill.

 LBJ: Should I tell you I'm a championship chaser who did it for the money, ring? 

 Mojo: Yes! Championship chasing in Miami is much better than losing on a historically bad franchise like the Cavs with their asinine owner Dan Gilbert. 

 LBJ: Should I be who you want me to be?

 Mojo: Yes. Be a triple double averaging defensive beast who guards all 5 positions. A more athletic Magic Johnson meets a less suspended Dennis Rodman.

 LBJ: Should I accept my role as a villian?

 Mojo: Yes, but not a typical bad guy who dies in the end. We need a real villian that keeps coming back like Anton Chigurh, Jason and Freddy. Somebody whose methods tittilate some and terrify others. One thing though- real villians don't dance. So no more boogieing and rhyming during time outs.

 LBJ: Should I stop listening to my friends? 

 Mojo: Definitely keep listening to Warren Buffett. And if Oprah is a friend, listen to her too.

 LBJ: Should I try acting?

 Mojo: Try? You mean that jheri curl, spandex & headband ain't acting?

 LBJ: Should I make you laugh?

 Mojo: Yes! Start by channeling Joakim Noah and saying, "What's so good about Cleveland?" every time you beat the Cavs in their gym.

 LBJ: Should I read you a soulful poem?

 Mojo: No. Florida already has enough bad NBA wordsmiths with the poetry of J.J. Redick. A Dwight Howard styled children's album could be cool though. 

 LBJ: Should we just clear the decks and start over?

 Mojo: Well the Nets need a permanent home, a new arena and a fresh start but there doesn't seem to be a lot of interest in helping out Jay Z and Mike Prokhorov. Ruskies who "has opulence" can buy mini giraffes, but NBA talent is harder to come by. 

 LBJ: What should I do? Should I be who you want me to be?

 Mojo: If that includes a triple double in every game on the way to an Eastern Conference Semifinal playoff exit, then yes! Start off with a 30 point, 15 rebound, 10 assist loss tonight. 

Everybody Hates LeBron

 LeBron James is the newest member of the Bitch 3 in Miami. He joins Captain Wheelchair Dwyane Wade and human puppy dog Chris Bosh in Lord Riley's Regime of Evil.

 By leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers and his hometown followers of Akron, Ohio, LeBron has crushed the sports dreams of a region that hasn't had much to celebrate since Jim Brown in the 60s. 

 What a sad photo, capturing the moment when the LeBron James Grandmothers Fan Club of Akron heard him say, "I'm going to take my talents to South Beach and join the Miami Heat." Look at the shock and horror on the faces of these sweet heartbroken old ladies. 

 Shortly after James announced his choice on the cheesiest show in the history of American sports, Cavs owner Dan Gilbert scorched LeBron the player and the man with the following vicious letter that's nastier than anything Mark Cuban ever said about the refs and almost harsher than Rush Limbaugh speaking on Obama.

Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;

As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.

This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.

Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.

The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.

There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you.

You simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.

You have given so much and deserve so much more.

In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:

"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER 'KING' WINS ONE"

You can take it to the bank.

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our "motivation" to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

Sorry, but that's simply not how it works.

This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown "chosen one" sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And "who" we would want them to grow-up to become.

But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called "curse" on Cleveland, Ohio.

The self-declared former "King" will be taking the "curse" with him down south. And until he does "right" by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.

Just watch.

Sleep well, Cleveland.

Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day....

I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:

DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue....

Dan Gilbert

Majority Owner

Cleveland Cavaliers

    

LeBust In Beantown

KG: Yo Baby. Noah was right. We can not go back to Cleveland this weekend. You hear me? 

Baby: I know. Yo, let's send what's his name, that other curly dude back wherever he came from.

KG: That curly dude is Brazilian.

Baby: Bruh Who?

KG: Brazilian.

Baby: Well I'm about to kick Bruh Zilian's ass.

Baby: Yo Bruh Zero. I just put a zillion pounds of beat down on yo ass. Get up and let me do it again.

Sheed: There's 3 things I'm still trying to figure out....

One. What's up with Delonte ushering Rondo to the basket? Is he already trying to get time off for good behavior?

Two. What was Shaq trying to do with this move? Is he the Big Sodomus now?

Three: How did Nate Robinson get in this picture?

Jesus Shuttlesworth: Yo I forgot your name dude. Is it Less Williams or No Williams?

Brown: No seriously. I need this JOB! It's not fair that Boston already has all those plays that Red Auerbach left behind. Who left me any plays to run?

LeBust: I almost took you dude. Almost had that quadruple double.

Rondo: You right man. You almost got that ring once too.

LeBust: Yo KG. I'ma give you my last hug wearing number 23. Tell them to trade Paul and Ray for me yo. They old yo. Let me rep my number 6 in here next year. 

KG: We already have a number 6. Try the Knicks.

LeBust: Nah man. If I can't get it done with Shaq and Antawn, how I'ma do it with Galinari and David Lee?

Which is the worst: 9 turnovers and a second round bounce, being heckled by nerdy children,

or being a bigger MVP playoff bust than Dirk Nowitzki?

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LeBron's Last Dance In Cleveland?

Where did all the dancing in Cleveland go? How about everybody mugging for their pretend cameras and acting like they're superstars? Remember LeBron and his butlers Jamario Moon and Anthony Parker brushing their faux lapels and canoodling with each other before games- what happened to all that? Is the Dancing With The Cavs era over in Cleveland?

Maybe Antawn Jamison is the Cavs' problem. He's put up decent regular season numbers for several teams during his career, but is a playoff disappointment when he finds his way there. In his one season with the Mavericks he earned 6th man of the year on the way to a 5 game playoff exit to the Kings as a five seed. In 2001 with Golden St., his most productive year ever, his team finished with a league worst 17 wins. Five ho hum years in Washington ended with Gilbert Arenas being kept despite bringing crime to the locker room, and team captain Jamison being shipped out. After last night's weak 9 point 6 rebound performance, maybe the Cavs need to go back to more Varejao who had more boards, assists and steals in half as many minutes.

Maybe Shaq is the problem. He did score 21 last night, but with only 4 rebounds. The Cavs were outrebounded 41-31 and their starting center only managed 4 boards in 26 minutes. His ancient backup Ilgauskas only added a paltry 3 more off the glass in 14 minutes. Shaq left Phoenix and the team improved dramatically. Now he's with Phoenix who may be underachieving to a 2nd round exit. Has he gone from The Big Aristotle to The Big Marbury? Is he now a guy who makes his team better on paper but really does more to hold them back with his increasing limitations?

Mike Brown isn't looking too much better. It becomes more and more clear that the Cavs will need another play besides "Give LeBron the ball for an ISO" and "LeBron, bring the ball up and call an ISO". Is it Brown's idea to give hard hustling Varejao's playoff minutes to softies like Jamison and Ilgauskas? Is it Brown who can't motivate anyone on the Cavs to play defense? 120 points in a home game 5 to the Celtics who are defense first in mentality? 

Speaking of defense, the Celtics stifled LeBron to 14 points on 3-14 shooting. He was 0-4 from downtown. His only recourse was to crash the lane and count on the refs to make the call, but even David Stern can't orchestrate a fix when you're down by 15 and can't hit a jump shot. The Celtics shot 55% to the Cavs' 41%. Boston also kept fresh bigs in the mix and effectively used fouls to disrupt the Cavs' rhythm during their decisive 2nd quarter outburst. Even Shelden Williams got minutes and kept Shaq and Ilgauskas in check.

LeBron said he wanted to guard Rondo after the 6'1" guard gutted Boston on Sunday. Instead, Coach Brown kept him primarily on Paul Pierce who shredded him for 21 points, 11 boards and 7 assists with 2 steals and only 1 turnover, equalling or bettering LeBron in every category. 

MVP, first team All-Defense, and a bust when his team needed him most.

 Joakim Noah said, "What's so good about Cleveland?" After last night, I'm wondering what's so good about LeBron?

The Celtics are a game away from silencing doubters who had them in career coffins. Does LeBron have it in him to force a game 7 or is he already planning out the summer of free agency he's been dreaming about?

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