The night Cleveland has waited five months for is here. They get to face LeBron James on their own turf in the wasteland. When James and his Miami Heat appear on the court, they will somehow be bigger villains than the Baltimore Ravens who used to be Cleveland's own Browns. But if the original Browns left a city that claimed to be so into the their football team, and LeBron left a basketball team based so close to his hometown of Akron, maybe Joakim Noah was right. What's so good about Cleveland?
Most of us couldn't care less about Cleveland. Yet LeBron James, a slightly overrated two-time MVP, has captured our attention as he goes back to play the franchise that he jilted by choosing to leave. Who wouldn't leave a cold miserable place like Cleveland to play and live in Miami? Who wouldn't want to play for a winner like Pat Riley instead of a jerk like Cavs' owner Dan Gilbert?
Tonight, it's all about what happens after James takes the court for his warm ups all the way until he leaves after the last buzzer. Here are my six wishes for #6 LeBron James' night in Cleveland.
Anderson Varejao gets the first ever pre-game flagrant foul when he elbows LeBron to the ground at the scorers table so he can excite Cleveland fans into an even more feverish frenzy with a chalk toss of his own.
LeBron recovers from Varejao's elbow and sets a career high in turnovers while scoring 23 points (for MJ and LBJ's old number). Midway through the first quarter, James rocks an unguarded, solo fast break, rim wrecking, 360 tomahawk dunk that brings out more hate and louder boos than if Osama Bin Ladin walked on the court.
Eddie House gets ejected in the second quarter for excessive trash talking with outraged Cavs fans. He leaves the game with zero points, featuring two airballs from three point land. Someone throws a full cup of beer at him before he exits the court which accidentally lands on Cavs' owner Dan Gilbert.
Cavs forward Jamario Moon burns past LeBron James, spins into the lane and destroys Chris Bosh's weak help defense with a devastating monster dunk of doom, and-one. Moon converts the free throw and Bosh goes to the bench with his fourth foul. Bosh finishes the night 2-11 with 5 rebounds while Varejao gets a double double against him.
Heat forward Juwan Howard body slams Cleveland super fan Nate Mallett to the ground when the drunk Ohio nut rushes the court to attack LeBron. Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker James Harrison offers to pay any fine David Stern levies against Howard.
Zydrunas Ilgauskas cries during pre-game announcements when Cavs fans stop booing LeBron long enough to cheer their appreciation for Z's time in Cleveland. The Lithuanian has a relatively quiet game because his eyes well up every time he touches the ball and hears Cleveland fans cheering for him.
Z saves the best for last when he tips in a last second LeBron James miss, giving the Heat a one point win over the Cavs, 90-89. Afterward, Z is an emotional blubbering mess in the locker room, profusely apologizing to the city of Cleveland while Chris Bosh massages his shoulders and tells him that Miami loves him too.
I want the Cavs to lose because the league is more fun when more teams play a role. Cleveland has little chance of threatening for a title any time soon and there's nothing interesting about their roster beyond the hustle of Varejao. Since Clevelanders play the part of sad and angry losers so well, they should keep bringing those talents to the NBA culture. As long as they keep losing to LeBron's Heat, there will always be at least one game on the Cavs schedule that's interesting to the NBA community at large.
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