What I Want LeBron James To Be

 LeBron James asks a lot of questions in his latest Nike ad, "Rise". For a guy who recently made such a big decision, LeBron seems to have uncorked many more mysteries in the process. So I thought I'd offer answers and help him be a better NBA player.

 LBJ: What should I do? Should I admit that I've made mistakes?
 Mojo: Yes. It worked for Alex Rodriguez. He admitted he took steroids and boom! He became a World Series champion who no longer struggled on playoff stages. A good start would be speaking truthfully about why the Cavs never won a championship in the LeBron James era.

 LBJ: Should I tell you how much fun we (the Cavs) had?
 Mojo: Yes, tell us how much fun Cleveland was. What was it like joking around in the locker room while the Spurs were sweeping you out of the Finals in '07? And what about posing for all those faux pix while Kobe & Kevin Garnett were doing work on the way to championships? That looked like fun too. And what really happened in that Boston hotel with Delonte last year? He always seems like he's having fun to me.

 LBJ: Should I really believe I ruined my legacy?
 Mojo: Hell no. Brett Favre is ruining his legacy. Roger Clemens ruined his legacy. How can a legacy be ruined just by decisively switching teams and playing at a high level within the rules? Did Shaq ruin his legacy by signing with the Lakers? Did Steve Nash ruin his by signing with the Suns?

 LBJ: Should I have my tattoo removed?

 Mojo: Definitely not. Chris Anderson keeps raising the tattoo stakes, so now is not the time to laser ink away. A better idea would be a giant cover up of that "Chosen 1" cheese. How about something wicked like a full back piece skull? Or what about fulfilling the prophesy in the Virgosis and getting a giant Darth Vader mask tat?

 LBJ: Wanna see my shiny new shoes?

 Mojo: No. The "LeBron 8" is just as ugly as the rest of the LeBron Nikes. Kobe might be approaching Jordan status on the court, but MJ still owns all in sneakers. 

 LBJ: Should I tell you, "I am not a role model"?

 Mojo: Why would anyone follow in Charles Barkley's footsteps in any way? Why aspire to be like an underachieving bloated loser who caddies for people who abused him throughout his career? I bet jelly donuts taste better than that elbow sandwich Jordan served fat Chuck's grill.

 LBJ: Should I tell you I'm a championship chaser who did it for the money, ring? 

 Mojo: Yes! Championship chasing in Miami is much better than losing on a historically bad franchise like the Cavs with their asinine owner Dan Gilbert. 

 LBJ: Should I be who you want me to be?

 Mojo: Yes. Be a triple double averaging defensive beast who guards all 5 positions. A more athletic Magic Johnson meets a less suspended Dennis Rodman.

 LBJ: Should I accept my role as a villian?

 Mojo: Yes, but not a typical bad guy who dies in the end. We need a real villian that keeps coming back like Anton Chigurh, Jason and Freddy. Somebody whose methods tittilate some and terrify others. One thing though- real villians don't dance. So no more boogieing and rhyming during time outs.

 LBJ: Should I stop listening to my friends? 

 Mojo: Definitely keep listening to Warren Buffett. And if Oprah is a friend, listen to her too.

 LBJ: Should I try acting?

 Mojo: Try? You mean that jheri curl, spandex & headband ain't acting?

 LBJ: Should I make you laugh?

 Mojo: Yes! Start by channeling Joakim Noah and saying, "What's so good about Cleveland?" every time you beat the Cavs in their gym.

 LBJ: Should I read you a soulful poem?

 Mojo: No. Florida already has enough bad NBA wordsmiths with the poetry of J.J. Redick. A Dwight Howard styled children's album could be cool though. 

 LBJ: Should we just clear the decks and start over?

 Mojo: Well the Nets need a permanent home, a new arena and a fresh start but there doesn't seem to be a lot of interest in helping out Jay Z and Mike Prokhorov. Ruskies who "has opulence" can buy mini giraffes, but NBA talent is harder to come by. 

 LBJ: What should I do? Should I be who you want me to be?

 Mojo: If that includes a triple double in every game on the way to an Eastern Conference Semifinal playoff exit, then yes! Start off with a 30 point, 15 rebound, 10 assist loss tonight. 

Tragic Magic: The Pros & Cons Of Orlando's Roster

Vince Carter - First time Conference Finalist. When his play was decent against Boston, Orlando lost anyway. When he played poorly, the team won. 

He's helpless on defense and clutchless on offense, and yet he's due $17.3 million next season. It's the last year of his contract, so maybe a team will trade for him halfway through the season as a roster/ salary cap move.  

I didn't think he would make the Magic the best team in the league, but I thought he was better than Hedo Turkoglu, who he basically replaced. The reality is that Carter was a step back from Orlando's roster with Turkoglu*. Vince proved me wrong.

Carter's defining career moment happened when he played on Spawn of Dream Team. He jumped over Frenchman Frederic Weis on a dunk that scared France's Weis from following through on his plans to play in the NBA. Not a Lithuanian, Russian or even Argentinian or Spaniard. A Frenchman. 

On his biggest real basketball stage against NBA champs like the Celtics, Carter missed clutch free throws, he had back to back 1-9 and 3-10 nights from the floor, and his defense was weak throughout. 

Half-man Half-Amazing is now Half-Inconsistent Half-Inefficient.

White Chocolate. This season, Jason Williams gave the Magic a boost from the erratic existence of Rafer Alston. He's the only Magic player who has an NBA ring. He's still got a nice jump shot and still has handles. 

Damn if he didn't look old on that hustle play by Rondo. At least he bounced right back after the game with this gem in the locker room. 

Williams is a free agent. Last year he made $1.3 million, tied for lowest on the Magic with never used reserve Adonal Foyle. Somebody will definitely pay more for partially aged White Chocolate. Orlando will likely let 3rd string vet Anthony Johnson go. They should pay Williams more and get a dirt cheap 3rd stringer. 

Matt Barnes. The best Kobe Stopper in the NBA right now. He can opt out of his $1.6 million contract this off-season. 

Barnes is a 30 year old defensive specialist. He's ready to enter the Bruce Bowen years of his career by finding that solid team that'll give him a multi-year deal and security in exchange for endless hustle and mayhem night after night. With Dwight Howard dominating the paint on defense, the Magic would do well to bring Barnes back to patrol the perimeter.

Dwight Howard. He's not superman, but he is the best center in the NBA. That's not saying that much considering that Shaq is a shell and Yao will be lucky to play 25 minutes a night for the rest of his career. Even so, Howard is the driving force for the Magic because of his dominant defense. 

The Magic need to do everything possible to assemble a team that exploits the defensive greatness of Dwight Howard. His powerful physical presence and borderline dirty play in the paint will take them further than relying on scoring from Rashard Lewis and Vince Carter. 

The main mistake Orlando should avoid this off-season is overpaying J.J. Redick. He played well at times against the Celtics, but he also made the bone headed play of the series in crunch time of game 2 by forgetting to call time out before advancing the ball. 

Redick is a quality guy off the bench, but that's about it. Besides, he's a Dukee and the only recent NBA ring any of Coach K's drones have won is Danny Ferry, master 12th man for the Spurs in 2003.

If Redick wants to break some team's bank, let him go with the cursed Clippers.

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The Magic took a step back this season. But at least Dwight has another way to remember Nate besides this view.

    

*Thanx CJD02