Mojo: Yes. It worked for Alex Rodriguez. He admitted he took steroids and boom! He became a World Series champion who no longer struggled on playoff stages. A good start would be speaking truthfully about why the Cavs never won a championship in the LeBron James era.
Mojo: Yes, tell us how much fun Cleveland was. What was it like joking around in the locker room while the Spurs were sweeping you out of the Finals in '07? And what about posing for all those faux pix while Kobe & Kevin Garnett were doing work on the way to championships? That looked like fun too. And what really happened in that Boston hotel with Delonte last year? He always seems like he's having fun to me.
Mojo: Hell no. Brett Favre is ruining his legacy. Roger Clemens ruined his legacy. How can a legacy be ruined just by decisively switching teams and playing at a high level within the rules? Did Shaq ruin his legacy by signing with the Lakers? Did Steve Nash ruin his by signing with the Suns?
LBJ: Should I have my tattoo removed?
Mojo: Definitely not. Chris Anderson keeps raising the tattoo stakes, so now is not the time to laser ink away. A better idea would be a giant cover up of that "Chosen 1" cheese. How about something wicked like a full back piece skull? Or what about fulfilling the prophesy in the Virgosis and getting a giant Darth Vader mask tat?
LBJ: Wanna see my shiny new shoes?
Mojo: No. The "LeBron 8" is just as ugly as the rest of the LeBron Nikes. Kobe might be approaching Jordan status on the court, but MJ still owns all in sneakers.
LBJ: Should I tell you, "I am not a role model"?
Mojo: Why would anyone follow in Charles Barkley's footsteps in any way? Why aspire to be like an underachieving bloated loser who caddies for people who abused him throughout his career? I bet jelly donuts taste better than that elbow sandwich Jordan served fat Chuck's grill.
LBJ: Should I tell you I'm a championship chaser who did it for the money, ring?
Mojo: Yes! Championship chasing in Miami is much better than losing on a historically bad franchise like the Cavs with their asinine owner Dan Gilbert.
LBJ: Should I be who you want me to be?
Mojo: Yes. Be a triple double averaging defensive beast who guards all 5 positions. A more athletic Magic Johnson meets a less suspended Dennis Rodman.
LBJ: Should I accept my role as a villian?
Mojo: Yes, but not a typical bad guy who dies in the end. We need a real villian that keeps coming back like Anton Chigurh, Jason and Freddy. Somebody whose methods tittilate some and terrify others. One thing though- real villians don't dance. So no more boogieing and rhyming during time outs.
LBJ: Should I stop listening to my friends?
Mojo: Definitely keep listening to Warren Buffett. And if Oprah is a friend, listen to her too.
LBJ: Should I try acting?
Mojo: Try? You mean that jheri curl, spandex & headband ain't acting?
LBJ: Should I make you laugh?
Mojo: Yes! Start by channeling Joakim Noah and saying, "What's so good about Cleveland?" every time you beat the Cavs in their gym.
LBJ: Should I read you a soulful poem?
Mojo: No. Florida already has enough bad NBA wordsmiths with the poetry of J.J. Redick. A Dwight Howard styled children's album could be cool though.
LBJ: Should we just clear the decks and start over?
Mojo: Well the Nets need a permanent home, a new arena and a fresh start but there doesn't seem to be a lot of interest in helping out Jay Z and Mike Prokhorov. Ruskies who "has opulence" can buy mini giraffes, but NBA talent is harder to come by.
LBJ: What should I do? Should I be who you want me to be?
Mojo: If that includes a triple double in every game on the way to an Eastern Conference Semifinal playoff exit, then yes! Start off with a 30 point, 15 rebound, 10 assist loss tonight.
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