On a late night NY street, a voluptuous Lolo Jones lookalike approached me chomping on pizza and bragging about her own greatness, largely because she was from Detroit. She jabbed me with the back of her pizza hand, talking loud and bragging about the Motor City. Her Lolo looks inspired me to be patient with her as garlic breath leapt from her mouth.
She said she was down with all the old school Pistons, especially Vinnie "Microwave" Johnson who she considered a friend. She loved her some Deeeetroit Basketballll. We vibed on Piston players from Microwave to Ben Wallace. All laughs and good times.
When I mentioned that my fave Piston of all time was Bill Laimbeer, her laughter immediately stopped, the pizza eating ceased and she said "That dude's a asshole. For real. He's a asshole."
I could get with the pizza breath and loud talking, but a Detroit born and bred Pistons lover hating on Bill Laimbeer? That was hard to comprehend. But I left it alone and within seconds, the vibe was back and she started talking about how great Eminem is and how messed up it is that Proof is gone.
After a few minutes of good times, she asked my Zodiac sign. I responded Taurus and she burst out with hugs and happiness.
"I knew there was a reason we were vibing," she said. "I knew it! I'm Taurus too. May 14th." Her joy exploded like she had just found her true soul mate over pepperoni pizza on the street.
"I'm May 19th," I responded. "Same day as Bill Laimbeer."
Again, she got ice cold and serious. She said, "You gotta get over that yo. That dude is an asshole. He's the type of dude that if you went up to him and said, 'Hey Bill, my birthday is the same day as yours,' he'd say 'Yeah, well fuck you!"
I parted ways with lookalike Lolo, thankful for deeper knowledge into the genius that is Bill Laimbeer. The goon of all goons and thug of all thugs. He encited greats like Charles Barkley and Scottie Pippen to retaliate into technical fouls. He enfuriated mellow stoner Robert Parrish into a brawl. Larry Bird hated him so much that he refused to shake his hand several times both on and off the court.
But Laimbeer didn't think of himself as a fighter. "I don't fight. I agitate, then walk away."
He defended his habit of frequent facial fouls by saying, "Actually it's my lack of quickness. When I try to block a shot, I usually hit the guy in the face."
Bill Laimbeer trained Dennis Rodman in the Art of Martial Basketball. Despised by fans, he was booed in every road arena. He thrived on hate and propagated it. His physical play intimidated opponents whether he actually hammered them or not. Once while defending a fast break, he spooked Larry Krystkowiak into tripping and blowing out his knee. Krystkowiak maintains that it was a dirty play despite the fact that video shows Laimbeer didn't touch him and only ran at him.
When facing ex-teammates on the court, Laimbeer only saw them as the enemy. He said, "I can't have relationships with opponents off the court and maintain the edge I need." Yet his closest friends and family know a different Bill.
Isiah Thomas was one of the few real NBA friends Laimbeer made during his playing days. Isiah wrote in his book that if Laimbeer couldn't reach his wife Chris by phone before road games, he would play soft that night. Could the baddest of the bad boys really have been whipped like that?
Chris Laimbeer said, "People are always coming up to me and saying how nice I am and how could I be married to such a jackass? You just have to get to know him. Don't take any of his bullshit. You just can't let him bug you." Chris had Bill in check. This nice woman fueled the fury that frustrated all foes.
Here's to Bill Laimbeer. A guy who I'm happy to share a birthday with. A guy who played hard night after night and never missed a regular season game. A goon who had his own video game line called Combat Basketball. A Sleestak whose wife has him in check. One of the best physical champions in NBA history.
Happy birthday Bill Laimbeer.
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